Dear Husband, You Know Not What You Do!

Husband:

I know we desperately needed new carpeting in our family room and master bedroom.  The stuff we had was pretty gross.  But…you have to know that by ordering new carpet, and having it installed, you have (re)-opened a big can of worms.

Remember those days, early in our marriage, BK (before kid), when I obsessively vacuumed at 11 p.m. at night, in an exasperating attempt to keep the dust bunnies at bay?   Or when I used to pick up your drinking glass and put it in the dishwasher before you finished it, to keep from creating “rings” on the furniture?  How about those days when I freaked out at a dirty sock on the floor, or a magazine out of place?    Did you forget the years it took for me to get over not wiping the kitchen counters over and over, to catch every single crumb?

Remember all those years ago, when you sat me down and explained  (or demanded…I can’t remember which anymore)  that with a new baby, I would have to learn to relax and “go with the flow”?  That I could not clean obsessively night and day, and worry about every speck of dirt.  That crumbs and toys on the floor were okay.  That a dirty sock did not mean a call to the bio-hazard team.  Haven’t I worked hard to change from that person I used to be?  Haven’t we lived in contented filth for years since I’ve curbed my impulses?

Why would you rock that boat?  Why would you bring brand new carpeting into our home, a carpet that I would need to vacuum the loose threads off of?  The carpet that is clean and flawless, its pristine tuft not sullied with grime and slime.  A carpet so fresh and new, it keeps its “lines” when I vacuum it?   carpet that I will vacuum over (and over and over), to make certain the lines stay straight?

Didn’t you know what a shiny new carpet would do to me?  Don’t you understand that although I have been “good” all these years, it has taken all of my strength to resist the urge to clean all the time.  With this new carpet, all bets are off.   I won’t be able to stand a speck of soil on its surface. 

And now that we’ve moved furniture away, I can see the dusty baseboards better, baseboards that need to be vacuumed, then dusted…maybe even scrubbed with soap and water.   I notice the cobwebs in the window sills, and the fingerprints on the glass…they need to be polished clean.  I notice more dust bunnies, more dirty tile, more crumbs.   MORE DIRTY SOCKS!

Who do you think is going to clean all this dirt?  This house isn’t going to mop and vacuum itself!   I will have to do it.  Did you know that the more dust and dirt I find, the more obsessed I will get.  Before you know it, the whole house will be clean.   Your den of filth will become spotless.

Don’t you understand the full scope of this?  Because I’ll clean all day, I will not have time to cook the nice meals you are used to.  You will be stuck with frozen/canned/boxed food.  Don’t you get it?!  I don’t have time to cook when I have walls to scrub!

Speaking of those walls, with the furniture moved away, I see dings and dents in the paint.  These walls are practically begging to be painted.   Who do you think will be painting them?  Not me.  You don’t like me to paint.  You will have to do it.  And with new paint, we will then have to get new appliances, new furniture, new curtains.  Soon, our house will be flawless, a sparkling specimen of unsullied wholesomeness.  

I’m telling you dear husband, we were better off living with filthy carpets.